Bring on the wine time

My brain is frazzled. I can’t even write a blog properly. I keep Ctrl A, deleting everything. I mean some of it’s good, it’s just, well, sentences, words…things. Agh! I’ve spent the last few weeks juggling many hats. I’m a person of hats…you know all those different roles you do in life? I refer to them as hats, I think most people do?

So between the psychology, the job, life…more life…I wear a gazillion different hats. My most common is admin hat, PR hat, psychology hat,  workout hat, healthy eating hat, girl friend hat, grandchild hat, daughter hat (actually just general ‘family member’ hat), horse rider hat… I feel like I’m juggling everything and I just sort of throw it all up in the air at times because I just need to breathe, and wait for it to all come back down before I run around catching it all before it turns into a mess.

I don’t dislike any of my hats. There’s just a few of them…and I’m struggling a little to wear them all.

Last night I grabbed my interior design hat and hung up my girl friend hat for the evening and decided to tackle my room. It had become something of a nightmare. I had all sorts just stacked up in piles because when I moved all my things from Alex’s I shoved it all in and promptly decided to forget about it until a later date.

Five and a bit months later and I finally took down the disco ball and cleaned out the china teddy bear ornaments (disclaimer: these were there when I moved in!), moved the pile of towels and sheets into the blanket box and linen cupboard, actually filed the mountain of paper work on my desk, bought a hanging lamp to replace the disco ball and removed the old bedside lamp to make space for nothing, and moved my bed over to the wall.

My room is now spacious, clean, uncluttered, and makes me feel happy.

I needed a happy place – a place in which does not change and is in my control.

This used to be where I grazed my horse, then it was Alex’s, it’s sort of switched between the two depending on what’s happening in life at the time. Then when Casey and I moved in together it was my perfect little home.

Either way, I’ve had a place that I can relax, where I can decorate, tidy, and just breathe in…a place that feels like home and like it’s mine.

I sort of ditched my happy place for a while when I moved…I was too busy having fun. But now Ivy is being ridden by someone else, the gym is changing in terms of who’s there, Sam’s place is well, Sam’s place (and two other boys live there so you can imagine the bathroom… ), the house is my parents not mine. I have no happy place. So I decided it was time I created one.

And I feel at peace now, like everything is in order, even if its not in order. Even if it, at times, feels like it’s spiraling madly out of control.

My general day consists of doing: some sort of filing, some sort of binding of documents, some sort of searching for something in our internal system that’s mysteriously booked a permanent vacation and hightailed out of there, editing people’s bios for the company, writing press releases, making peoples long winded sentences shorter and easy to read, occasionally dealing with a grumpy interviewee, reading property news, answering phones, getting people to do things they don’t want to do for other people, writing articles. A few days a week I’m opening the show home, answering questions, cleaning, most days I’m studying psychology and counselling theories, conducting experiments, writing reports, trawling through the website for the course to figure out what I’m meant to be doing. I tend to finish with making sure my horse is alive, feeding it, running on the treadmill or cross trainer, lifting weights, having a shower, seeing Sam, remembering to see my family members, texting friends to make sure they’re still doing ok in life, catching up with friends at least once every few weeks…

I’m exhausted.

I am learning constantly, whether it’s working through emotional stuff I’m still dealing with in terms of relationships; learning how to be with someone new. Whether it’s figuring out the systems at work, how marketing is different to journalism, how to work in a big company, how to study again, what is psychology…and how to live with family close again. Oh yeah, and how to actually achieve my fitness goals!

It comes as no surprise really that I’ve had a few melt-downs lately. My most recent and perhaps most comical was in Kmart. I stood there, having had a rough day, rather annoyed at Sam because he wouldn’t buy a damn topper for his mattress or a bedside lamp! Right in that moment, absolutely nothing else on earth mattered except getting those two things. Why? Well the mattress topper is purely because the bed is uncomfortable, the lamp, yeah, I have no idea. I just really needed to have one.

I described myself to my mother last night as “Normal 95 per cent of the time, but that 5 per cent I really go all out on the crazy”. A good crazy I like to think… a crazy which results in OCD like behaviors which sees bedside lamps bought, mattress toppers put on beds, and my entire room cleaned and tidied.

So tonight my plans are to see my nan (she’s having chemo and radiation at the moment), study, gym, then study some more in my incredibly beautiful room, see Sam, and then sleep.

Tomorrow? I’ll do it all again.

And as for this weekend? It currently has nothing at all planned in it and I think I might just buy myself a magazine, some chocolate, and sit in the sun with a good glass of red wine. Because right now, all I can think about is doing nothing with wine.

 

 

 

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1,2,3…25

It’s been five month since I arrived home. When I put it like that it doesn’t seem long at all, but I feel like I’ve lived a life time in that period! I’d have laughed if you’d told me, as I boarded that plane home from Paris, I’d be in marketing, PR and working as a office ‘doer of lots of things’ with a new relationship. I might have believed you if you’d told me I’d be applying for the police force and studying psychology. But I would have been surprised, because honestly, I never thought I had the guts to just get up and change everything.

There are many defining moments in a person’s life. As a child some of those might be learning to talk, to walk, to eat, to make friends… or not to. In your younger teen years you decide if you’re going to drink, have sex, date, drive, what hobbies you’ll pursue, what subjects at school you’ll chose. As a young adult you’ll decide where to study, what to study, how much effort you’ll put into that study…you’ll begin serious relationships or you might not. You’ll have to decide if you’re going to be the sober driver or risk a DIC. You’ll make tough choices about the right and wrong decision. You’ll decide to travel or not to, who you marry, when you’ll have kids. You might find out you can’t have kids and you choice you make then will definite a lot.Or you might not want them. That’s cool too.

We never stop making defining decisions.

So far I have made many, many defining life decisions. But I don’t look back and think ‘man I’m glad I kept trying to walk every time I fell over as a child’. I just got up and did it without ever stopping to think about the significance of it.

I think as we get older it’s easy to over think every decision. Anyone who knows me will have a chuckle at that. I’m the classic over thinker, I know I am, and I’m working on that ok?…in between the random freak-outs and tears…

I have a ‘what if’ for almost every occasion.

But the other side to my personality is my ability to just do it because my gut tells me it’s exactly where I’m meant to be. For every ‘what if’ I have a ‘why not?’

It’s very conflicting at times.

And it also makes for a very exciting, well thought through life.

I’m the sort of person who doesn’t sit still for long. I might fall down for a moment, and as my mother can attest to, lie in the middle of the living room floor because I just can’t face life at that moment, but I will always, always get up and find plan B. Sometimes plan B should have always been my plan A.

There I was, just before my medical assessment for the police, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous for anything…ever. I have never wanted something more than I want this. Not because it’s my plan B, but because while I was travelling I realised this was always meant to be my plan A, I just needed to do a few things before I could arrive here.

So it matters. It matter so damn much I can’t think of it not working out.

This is a life defining decision but I’m going to face many, many obstacles on that journey, just like I did when I learnt to walk.

I want more than anything to help people, to analyse people, to bring change, to discover things, to work with people to make things better. I want improvement, I want betterment, I want a life full of incredible surprises and breath taking moments of joy.

But that takes moments of tearful frustration, sore muscles, a tired mind, and late nights.

I have run five times a week for the past eight weeks. I’ve cut my run time for 2.4km from 17 minutes down to 13 minutes. I need to get another minute off, I want to get another two off.

That’s a massive goal for someone like me whose body thinks running is an odd concept only used during moments of high adrenaline.

The sixth day home from overseas I got on that treadmill. I knew damn well what I wanted but I also knew how far away from it I was. I managed to run 1km that day in 10 minutes. It took me a month and a half to be able to run 2km.

My legs ache, my ankles ache, my lungs burn. I hate that treadmill so much, so, so, so damn much.

I’ve gone from doing 6 push ups to 25 in the space of three months.

My arms ache every day, my back aches. My legs are currently covered in Kinesio tape from the knee down. I don’t think there is a muscle in my body that hasn’t hurt at some point in the past three months. I spend an hour a day in the gym five-six days a week.

I spend most of my afternoons working on assignments going over word counts, analysing data, and reading books for my psychology diploma. I owe my parents a nice little amount of money for that too…that’s worth a good trip overseas.

As for the travel I want to do at the end of the year… I work two jobs on top of study and fitness. Because I want to pay off my debt and I want to see the world.

The other day I flopped down at home, like I usually do after I get home from the gym, I was almost in tears. I’d upped the speed on the treadmill and struggled to make it to 2km before I had to stop. I put huge pressure on myself to achieve things quickly. Sometimes though, it’s really important to stop and congratulate yourself for making it this far without giving up.

I’m currently battling shin splints.

I really hate the debt I have.

I desperately want to make that run time.

I have absolutely no idea if I’m going to pass my assignments.

But it’s all for something. And I’m incredibly amazed with how I really did leave my job, go overseas, walk away from a relationship going no where, start again, find a new career goal, and take charge of my life. I just up and turned it all around because it wasn’t where I wanted to be going.

I don’t think enough people take charge of their lives and trust what they know is right.

It’s easy to sit down and sulk and go ‘I can’t do it, it’s too hard’. But I know what would be much harder than this right now, is sitting in the same place in a few years time wondering why I didn’t just go for it.

When I stop and I look back on just how far I’ve come in a very short space of time I remind myself that anything is possible if you’re crazy enough to believe it.

Big goals, take big sacrifices.

And on a rainy night last night all I wanted to do was curl up in bed with a good book and a cup of tea, but instead I finished an assignment and spent 40 minutes at the gym. I’m out of energy, out of motivation, but it’s one foot after another.

#neverstopstarting

(Yeah, I stole that from the Spark ad campaign… so what, it’s a good quote!)

Till next time!

Sunday, please don’t leave me yet.

It has been a long year so far. October is a week in, the weather is quite average, and summer still seems like a long way off (we start summer in December here). I’m 21 in less than a month. It seems remarkably far away really, I mean I’ve been telling people I’m 21 for the last month now away, mainly because it eliminates a little of the ‘you don’t seem that young!’ Not entirely sure why one year old makes people a little less shocked, but it does, so I’ve been rolling with it.

I will admit it, this year has certainly started to show in the fine (or not so) lines on my face, mainly my forehead from squinting at the computer and making an angry face at frustrating people. There has been a lot of process, I’m not even entirely sure what it all is now, it just sort of all blends together after a little while.

But it has also been a really good year. In just over a month I will be moving, again, and living with my sister this time, which I am hugely excited about. It will be nice living with someone familiar again. Flatting wears you down. It’s fun, but after three years you just want to be able to walk around the house in your underwear and it not feel weird. Or run to someone to borrow their bra because you’ve run out. Or steal their tweezers because yours somehow disappeared in your room.

Being able to breathe a deep breath when you come home, and know if you’ve had a really shit day, there is going to be someone there just to give you a hug.

It things like that you really miss after moving 6 times and living with 8 different people in that time.

I really should not be writing a blog this late, feeling as average as I do, but I think my body is just giving up. Not because it’s over worked, but because you just get to a point where you need a break. A long break on a really nice beach, sipping a cocktail, with your best friend.

Oh one can dream!

This was a very depressing blog… and I am sorry about that.

But hey, if you’re currently fighting the overwhelming urge to turn off every electronic device and disappear for a while, at least you know you’re not along!

Bring on Monday…

Over it

Do you ever have those phases where people just start acting weird, and you don’t quite know if you’re losing the plot completely, or they are? Well, I’m having one of those I believe. I want to hibernate. Bears have it sussed. It gets cold, they eat, then they sleep for a long time. Why can’t humans do that? 

It is Monday. I am freezing my butt off. My horse is set about destroying his cover and I don’t have money to replace it. It’s cold, did I mention that? And I am at that point where I desperately need a good cup of something warm and delicious, and a good girl friend to bitch to. 

I want a dating site for friends, all my good ones seem to be living far away… or visiting nice places far away. 

I think the problem with my intolerance for strange or fake or demanding or just plain rude people has stemmed from journalism. I constantly ask people things, some things are quite personal, on first meeting them. It’s like that constant small talk and act we put on for others… all the time. Which is good, we need that, but when it comes to friends, sometimes you just need people you can talk to while in your underwear, or in your oldest comfiest clothes, with no make up, bitching till your heart desires, with no need to feel ‘chirpy’ or ‘together’ or ‘inspired’. 

All in all I think I need a holiday. And a hug. I really need a hug. And real. I really need real people. 

Anyway… that’s is enough of my emotional, cold, over Monday, whinge. 

Time to get tough. Out with the people who I’m over. Dealing with the people I don’t understand. Appreciating the people who make my days. And time to figure out how I’m going to get some much needed R&R in a warm place. But for now I think I’m just going to sleep. 

Sleep fixes everything.

 

An adult day

Today was a day I didn’t want to be an adult… then I realised because I was an adult I could choose between mix veggies and spinach. I chose the spinach. It was a mince dish and I didn’t want mix vegetables. I was over today by 2pm. Oh how I watched that clock. The worst part was the fact no matter how fast I willed the clock to go, it didn’t get the work done any faster. By the time I was out the door, across the road, in the car, and down the street, into the supermarket, and wandering around like I was blazed… I was glad no one got in my way. Perhaps it was because like my day, my body was on slow motion, and fellow supermarket shoppers don’t seem to be as annoying when you’re in slow motion. 

Luckily no one hit the back of my car, there were several close calls. That would have topped it off nicely. I feel bad because I yelled at my horse again. He just really wanted to push those buttons. I felt bad though because I actually hadn’t taught him to do the thing I was asking, so he had no idea. Poor boy just stopped and stood there looking at me. After a few (as in about 5 minutes) of deep breaths and patting him, we actually managed to get what I was asking… and with less I want to kill you’s muttered under my breath. 

So, here I am, tucked up in my warm bed, after a hot shower, and I have a cup of tea and goats feta with crackers. That is how you end a bad day as an adult. 

If I wasn’t meant to be detoxing… this one would nearly have called for that random bottle of unopened port I found in my car. But it has not quite reached that level of awful. 

Tomorrow, let’s be friends. 

Just have a giggle…

I’m not sure if the effects of pea protein are no longer working, or if I really do just do too much… but when I woke from my short slumber this morning (the short part was not due to lack of trying) I could quite happily have hopped on the next plane and found some cute little tropical get away to wallow in my self pitty. 

I think it might be the mid year reality punch in the face, or my body is simply protesting about being a grown up. 

My to do list is quite possibly going to grow legs and chase after me, and I think it already has teeth, but I am tackling it. Slowly, surely, tackling it. I don’t think my body can absorb any more immune system boosting pills or healthy smoothies! 

Anyway, while I was taking one of my five min ‘you’ve actually managed to accomplish something and your brain now hurts’ breaks I found the above video. 

I am still in a ‘where is my rock, can  I please go back to hiding under it?’ mood, but that video… well… they say laughter is good for the soul…

If only they had laughter tablets I might be able to combat this cold! 

 

Now I am going to dance along in my head (much better than I actually can) and have another giggle while I attempt to win the war with this to do list!

Where are you wonderful happy place

I’ve taken to kicking my desk draw. It is surprisingly satisfying. It doesn’t want to work… well… it had another thing coming to it this morning. I wanted to store my files, it apparently didn’t want council agendas any more than I did. I won though. I have my sturdy heals on today. So, with a good couple of boots and several fits of exhausted angry laughter, it closed, with my files inside. 

It’s Tuesday and already it has been a very long week. Monday was one of those days that makes me want to hide under my blankets and pretend there are monsters under my bed so I don’t have to get out. When the alarm beeped at 6.30 this morning I was in a remarkably good mood. The traffic was even good. What is this madness? 

I love the column I am doing, love, love it, and my horses. But they mean less and less time off, meaning less sleep, resulting in far thinner sanity. This isn’t really a problem for me… more the people around me as I am no longer the patient, understanding, tolerant person I attempt to be on a day to day basis. 

As I was whinging to myself about the lack of understanding the world offers when you are worn out, it dawned on me… the reason you have to put yourself first at times is because no one else is going to. I don’t mean this in a selfish, screw the world sort of a way. Just in a here is my foot, it has been put down, and I need to take care of myself, that takes precedence over making people happy. 

Work first – of which I am happy to give my sanity and energy to, horses second because when you commit to owning animals you actually have to care for them… and so on. There are too many things to list and I am starting to resemble my Mitsubishi Ute… it’s just been going too hard for too long and the poor thing needs a break. Thankfully, I am far younger and more energetic than my Ute and only need a small amount of time completely to myself at some sort of stunning beach with a healthy and wonderful drink in hand (or wine…), a good book, a cuddly blanket, and lots of sun on a cold autumn afternoon.  

That is my happy place.

Just keep thinking about the happy place.

Journey of a journalist: the final leg

These last two weeks have been the definition of long. Tests, assignments, projects and articles have been running around in my head and I, have been running around like a mad-woman. I’d like to say a glass of wine is in order but I’ve stressed myself out to the point I just keep forgetting everything. I fear with a glass of wine I may forget my own name. This is something I do do on the odd occasion, so it wouldn’t be a huge shock. Normally I stare blankly at people for a moment when they ask my birthday. I’m just really bad with names, and birthdays. 

We are pretty much done. My diary is looking increasingly empty, and shorthand is the only thing that is holding me down. Oh those stupid little symbols that make life easier, and so much harder all at the same time! So I have a headache, a stomach ache and I think I am on the verge of passing out, but I’m almost there. I have a new garden, I hope, soon, a new house and possibly a baby horse (that wont be born for another year). 

If I had the energy to celebrate, I would. But I don’t. Not until I pass shorthand. Once I have passed that, I believe I will fly. Or drink wine. Maybe both. Then I will sleep, I mean I will give sleeping beauty a run for her money. Then, I might even have a spa day. If I have money. Which I think I will just have to find because a spa day is exactly what I need. 

Relaxation. Not long now and you will be mine. For a week or two. Then, off to the real world.