Pros, cons, failure

Growing up is a weird thing; it just sort of happens without really thinking about it. I mean sure, most of the time I’m thinking to myself ‘I am definitely not adult enough to deal with this’, but then there are moments where I suddenly realise I am an adult, and I’m actually doing it just fine. How can I tell I’m adulting well? Firstly, I am incredibly particular about wine, babies no longer scare me (I’m still highly skeptical I should ever actually be allowed to bring one up), I am capable of looking after multiple small people at once, I know life does not stop and start with marriage, relationships, or even having children…but those things are cool too, I’ve come to appreciate money…by that I mean the fact that I turn up to a place each day and do stuff and they then give me money so I can live, I am learning how to think about and navigate the idea of a mortgage, a house, where I want to live… and I have learnt just how fragile life is, and I appreciate that fact. Oh and I’ve also come to learn and accept shit happens to all of us.

I don’t feel grown up, but to honest I don’t know if anyone ever feels ‘grown up’, I think it’s more a feeling of comfortable experience that leads you to have a little more faith each year that in most situations you will, regardless of how you may feel at the time, be ok. I was going to put ‘survive’, but there’s really no guarantee of that.

My little cat had his vaccinations today. In order to get him into the cat cage I coxed him with food first into a small space. He then quickly realised something was not right and quickly escaped. I came back five minutes later to see he had given into his desire for food (animal like its owner) and I swiftly blocked the cat door with various washing baskets. He then escaped from the other door as I tried to enter with the cat cage and my attempts at a human barricade failed miserably. I then spent 10 minutes chasing him up and down the house until he finally gave in to his desire for pats and I captured him once and for all. His poor defeated meows were heart breaking as I loaded him into the car for mum to take him with her to the clinic (she’s a vet nurse). Admittedly the only time I’ve ever put him in a cage prior was to move him from one place to another…so right now he’s sitting in a cage at the clinic thinking this is his new home and he’s been transported to some kind of jail for a crime in which he does not know. I will sweep in and rescue him and he shall love me forever…and hopefully forget all about this mornings antics.

I have two weeks until my psychology exam. I have finally accepted there is no possible way for me to learn everything I need to learn. So, I’ve decided I will simply learn five chapters REALLY well so ace that part of the exam. I’d love to say this is a strategy well thought through, however it’s really a last ditch effort not to fail this whole thing.

But I can always try again.

Really what I’m telling myself is it is not the end of the world, I have wasted $700 in worse ways, it will be fine, I have wine, and if I have to try again I’ll just try again. Simple, right?

Adulting at its finest right there.

What I’m coming to learn this year is to just chill out. That might seem strange to those in my life who understand I operate at a million miles an hour and every single weekend in June is booked…however, I am learning to stop putting on the pressure, stop trying to overachieve, to move a million miles an hour. Just take one step, as it comes. For me, there are often many steps that come all at once…so if I apply that statement to my life it looks like madness.

But on the days I feel frustrated I’m not going anywhere fast enough, I just remind myself how much I wanted this; to have a warm home close to family, to have my own cat, to have a job that keeps me busy and earns me money but doesn’t give me nightmares, so I have time to study and enjoy that study. This is what I wanted when I sat in that little home in France and pictured life. It just didn’t happen how I expected it to. But this is really lovely.

It’s raining. I love rain. I love studying when it’s raining. Soon I’ll have a gym with a spa and I can provide myself with motivation for the gym with that. It’s winter, it’s snuggly weather, it’s raining, I’m studying something I love, I have a cat, I have plans for a house, I want to live in the country, I have a good job. It’s all about perspective…

Because when I got on here I was going to complain how stressed and didn’t want to study, how my head hurts because I have a headache because it’s always so damn cold, how it’s raining so I don’t want to go outside or to the gym, and I have no money for my dream home or my dream travel.

It’s really easy to get stuck feeling like it’s falling apart or like something else would be better. Of course it would, because it always looks great when you’re not living it. You can’t have all the pros without the cons and you rarely see the cons when it’s not your life.

I’m wearing my favourite sweater today, it’s raining, and I’m going to go home and snuggle my cat and study with a hot cup of tea. I might even take an Instagram shot of it all so people think my life is amazeballs.

Sorry, this blog had potentially a little too much sarcasm in it.

 

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Good days you’re mine

I think I need more sleep. I walked into a door today. Well, I didn’t actually walk into it as such, I opened it, but only enough that half of me fit before my hip caught the handle. It was a good day, it is a good day. My horse went really well this morning, the sun crept over the property just after 6am and the fog made it look mystical. I live in an incredible place.

I managed to get snapped at by a source before 9am, which is a new record for me. Unfortunately I wasn’t in a bitch voice mood, more of a cry in a corner mood. So I just went and found funny things online to try and cheer myself up again. 

I don’t know if I came on here to convince myself it was a good day, or to convince all of you. But I think it is. The sun is absolutely beautiful, the air is crisp and cold. I have the house to myself for a week. I had a fantastic holiday. I even had a great night over desert with friends, the first time I’ve spend time with a group of friends for a while. 

Perhaps it is my crazy side desperate to escape, after all I haven’t had any adrenaline rushes for the past month. Managing to not get washed away driving through a storm doesn’t really count…

So, I have made the decision, today is going to be a good day. Because I’m in a good place right now.

I am prone to wallowing, it’s one of the downfalls to being someone who loves to embrace everything… that sometimes means embracing sadness for just a little too long. 

As of now there will be no more wallowing. I will enjoy getting through my overwhelming to do list. Just one step at a time. I will enjoy relaxing tonight in front of the TV with a fluffy blanket, after trying another saddle on my horse and giving the other one cuddles. 

I need to learn to jump from one high to the other, none of this rolling down the hill into the dip, I don’t ‘flow’ I organise. I’m now organising happiness and I am saying it’s going to join in my day. 

Maybe I did come on here to convince myself it was a good day.

Hopefully I convinced you too.

 

 

 

Dear real world

Dear real world:

Ok, we need to have a word. Seriously, I am not happy. You slowly drew me in, you made me feel loved, encouraged, in control. Well, did you have another thing coming. Just when I thought it was ok to sleep with my eyes closed! I mean, over due phone bills, really, you’re going to pull that one? It would have been polite to send the bill before it became over due. Just a little tip for the future. It makes people happy when you’re kind to them. The bank? You got them involved in this too! I mean common, that’s just not fair. I don’t even want their money! At least give me enough hours in the day to change banks so I can be happy. Though, with your tack record at the moment life, they would find some way to suck all my horse money from me, taking my soul along with it. Speaking of the horse, did he have to hurt himself TWICE in the past month? Now you are just getting carried away. That’s just not fair. And no, I will not be calling the vet and spending even more of my pretty little and now scarce pennies on a call out fee. Now, I don’t mean to whine or anything, but is there any chance that the people I call on deadline, namely the police, would actually pick up? I know, I know. I should do these stories well before deadline. But you don’t give me much choice, life, and I’d really like it if you just went easy for a week. Or two. Or perhaps continuously? Don’t be boring, I don’t want that. Just, well, kind. Leave me with some amount of cash please? And a hobby that isn’t broken. 

Oh, and this cold. Not cool. I mean I was getting along, I was managing, but this cold. I seriously started crying on the phone to the Telecom lady. I think she thought I had something seriously wrong with me. I just get like that when I’m sick. I also decided crying was a much better option than yelling at her. It’s not her fault you’re being a bitch life. 

Sorry to use such harsh language, but some warning about these past two weeks would have been nice. Kind even. You know that thing that people sometimes are to each other. KIND! 

On that note life, I’d just like you to know you can buck up your ideas. I will make it through this week, alive at the most, but I shall. 

So suck it! 

Sorry, please be my friend. 

On the crazy train: part 1

It is not easy to move on. With each stage of life we stumble through, blindly hoping we make it out the other side (or others, confidently stomping their way through, marking their territory), we have to learn how to let go, and move on. 

As I lie here in my bed, with sheets that are due for a change and a room that looks like it has been burgled, I still can’t quite get my head around the fact this is the last night I will live with Melissa. Come Monday, it will be the end of my ‘student’ years and into the real, real world. Just like that I pop out the other side of three years of study, into my next stage of life. 

No fuss, no talking about it. Just like that. 

I have been watching a significant amount of Grey’s Anatomy lately in attempts to encourage tears. I’ve managed a few but nothing substantial for the incredible overwhelming sense of terror I feel. 

This is it, what I’ve been waiting for all my life. To get to this point. And quite frankly, now I am here I’d quite like to get back (or stay) in bed, pull the covers over my head, put on a sad tune or two and just go back to sleep. Wake up three years ago and just do it all again. Growing up is daunting . Actually, I think life is just daunting. There just seems to be a never ending flow of changes and problems and if it is not one thing, you can count on it being another. 

Worn out and too tired at 20. I don’t know how to feel about that, but I nearly hugged the bartender who asked for my ID. 

I am so wrapped up in all the new things bombarding me at the moment I can’t even muster enough anger to want to slap my sisters boyfriend, whom she recently broke up with. He’s been an ass and deserves a serving of crazy Sacha. But, I just can’t manage the emotion. It just up and left me. Now, I’m floundering around in this lack luster dream world, a sort of fog that has consumed my brain. 

I’m going to sleep, take more vit C and mentally beat my sisters ex. 

Then, tomorrow, I might conquer the world.

Here comes the next phase

Packing up my house this time is a little sad. Normally when I begin to pack it is full of excitement with what lies ahead for me and Melissa. This time, we’re moving our own ways. I’m still excited for a new house, and a new phase of life but the knowledge that this is the end of spending almost every waking moment together, the good and the bad ones, is hard to digest. Bitter sweet I think it is. 

My packing piles seem to have gotten far smaller. With each move I have narrowed down on the amount of ‘it could be handy in the future’ hoarding habits, with each house I have also gotten tidier and more OCD. This has left me with a very easy packing job. My room is pretty much packed (except the clothes I wear a lot), the linen is packed, the desk has been narrowed down from 4 boxes to two, one for me and one to be stored at my very obliging boyfriends house. 

Now it’s just the plates and the big things and of course the tug of war between me and Melissa for past flatmates left behind items and I’m done. Phase one of life, done. 

It is terrifying. To be honest I’m doing a fairly average job at putting it into words but daunting would be a good start. 

I got my swipy key for the office, my business cards and my first office photo. I am completely out of my depth. But I know that’s not going to be a problem when I get my head around it. I’ve just got to get my head around it. It being the fact I will be working, five days a week, eight hours a day for however long I do. I will be living in this city for a while and I know very few people here and summer is not nice in an inland city. My flatmate and best friend will be leaving. I will be living with strangers and then alone. 

It is hard to be excited when there are so many things to miss. But, at the same time I am looking forward to being part of a work place, to fit somewhere and to do a job and get paid. Stepping up in the world was always going to be scary, but I did not expect this strange whirlwind of happiness, excitement and terror in one big emotional tornado. 

Heading up north with my partner, the dog and the boat for five days is going to be a wonderful escape. Just time enough to get my head together before embarking on this journey into untouched territory…

Please let there be no lions.

I’m not getting old

Summer has hit with the force of an iron fist. My poor sister will be moving here soon as she has no idea what is waiting for her. Moving from a beach side town to a very in land, muggy city is a shock to anyone’s system. Being typical spring it is now freezing at night and being alone is even more lonely on a windy, bitter night. Final week of tech is here. Not that it really is the final week as I have very few classes. But it is the proper end. By this time next week I will be thinking about full-time work. And it couldn’t be more daunting. Now we have given notice that we are moving out of this house, it is even more real and the pressure is on to find a new house in three weeks. Terror is what I seem to have developed. 

In order to try and avoid thinking about the upcoming life changes I went shoe shopping. It was my boyfriends idea too. And he even spent more money. But now I own a very lovely pair of white and black heals that are heavenly to walk in. Of course I needed them for work, so it is completely justified. 

Because of the changes that are about to take place in life soon, I decided it is hair cutting time. Short and a little lighter I think. I’ll probably look younger which is probably not a bad thing seeing as I wasn’t ID’d at a bar, the movies when buying alcohol and the cop waved me through the cop stop. So I’m ok with looking a bit younger. 

I have come to the conclusion I’m going to get fat from all my chocolate I’ve been eating and am going to eat if I fail shorthand. Then I won’t be able to fit into anything, even my sweat pants. And I can’t find a house so I’ll be homeless. So pretty much I’ll live in a box unable to dress myself.

I’m a little stressed. I don’t really know when being stressed stops happening. I’m told it never does. I hope those people are wrong. Because stress makes me go weird. And being weird and alone is just a sad kind of weird. 

I don’t want things to change, but they sure cannot stay the same. 

Life.

Frolicking in the hay and relaxing tea

Breathe. I keep telling myself to breathe with every step. Unfortunately that has lead me to be a very quick breather. Sit. Finally I have sat down with a bowl of rice and a cup or relaxing tea. Hectic is an understatement for this week. I told my cat Tonka we should swap places. I’d quite like to be a cat for a few days. He gets cuddles on demand, food constantly, he can sleep all day and adventure where ever his little heart desires. Me, well I’ve been franticly running around the city and I still am no further through my tech work than I was at the start of the week. 

I love a good holiday, don’t get me wrong, but labor day really just made things harder. I keep reminding my face to stop shrivelling up and looking so grumpy or like I’ve just seen someone commit a murder. Smile. Yes, I need to smile more. I have a new top though, it was a replacement for the one I brought, wore once and then it tore. Right down the back, it just fell apart. I was very sad because I liked it. So I toddled off into the store to ask for a refund and the lady told me they don’t do refunds, only exchanges. I’m sure if it is a faulty product they should be giving me my money back, but I wasn’t positive and far too tired and rushed to bother arguing. So now I have a new, very comfy, one size too big, blue and white top. 

I got to go to an early childhood centre today and photograph kids making a scarecrow. It was actually highly entertaining. Though I think I still have hay through my hair and in my pants. I do not know how it got there, but there was hay everywhere and the kids did not seem to realise I wasn’t really there to have hay thrown at me. But I liked it because I enjoy throwing hay. So it was fun. Deadlines are not fun. 

Now I sit, nearly done eating my rice and not very far through my relaxing tea, wondering what I should tick off the list next. Tick, cross, scribble violently off the list. Or maybe I should just stop. Stop moving all together and just sit. Relax, and drink my tea.

Jack of all trades

I am fast learning it is good to be good at everything, or at least as many things as humanly possible. Wandering around the supermarket today (Pak n Save is renovating) and I saw a sign ‘baristas in training’. “Oh yeah” I thought, “cool”.

While standing in the veggie isle, somewhere between the tomato’s and the cabbage I realised what I had just witnessed. Baristas in training, in a supermarket. I stopped for a moment, the guy with a lazy eye behind nearly collected me with his overly large shopping cart. “Wait, why on earth would there be baristas in training, in a supermarket?” I thought to myself. 

They were in fact putting in a little coffee section, right at the start. Perhaps for frazzled mothers who need coffee to move around the supermarket a little quicker with those painfully oblivious children who think it is ok to stand in the middle of the isle. Or maybe it is for the just painfully carefree people who think everyone has all day to do their shopping, proceeding down the isle at a wander, right-in-the-middle-of-it. It could possibly be for those coffee addicts who can’t manage a trip around the supermarket without one? 

For the life of me, I can not figure out who would be able to juggle coffee, a handbag, a trolley, while grabbing groceries and avoiding frustrating shoppers. I want to meet those people because they are supermen, and women – super people. 

It made me stop and think, once again. Does that mean anyone who works at Pak n Save will have to also be a barista? 

Jobs are not simple anymore. The more you know about things that don’t appear to have any relevance, the more likely you are to get the job it seems. So, while I have nightmares about spilt coffee on the supermarket floor and trolley crashes and small children running rampant, I may also consider doing late night or very early morning shopping. I mean, if there is coffee, why not? 

Guilt trip

I need to be getting work done but guilt has me running to my blog. I am a loyal customer, always have been, probably always will be. Once I sign up with someone for things like power, sky and grabone, I don’t leave. The same goes for cafes, once I’m a customer, I am always a customer. Loyalty is one of my biggest things. So when the man came around to my house and asked me if I wanted to change power companies I had a serve laps in my usual personality. I said yes. Maybe it was the fact I’m over large power bills or possibly the extra $50 credit they offered. But I said yes. Yes! With that one word I became disloyal. I’d battled with this decision for several days before consoling myself I was doing it for both me and my flatmate, it was a practical decision and I’d made to the right one.

Then, my current power company sent me an email.

They said they realized I was thinking of leaving them and gave me a list of reasons I should stay. And they said they’d call me! No! I will not be able to withstand the guilt if they call me! I liked feeling detached, they were not a person or people, it was a power company with no feelings and no face. Now I am staring in the crying eyes of child who’s lollipop I just stole.

I am on a downward guilt spiral over whether or not I should stay with them. While I am still mad at our much higher than expected power bills I feel a sense of loyalty being with them for nearly two years – the only power company I’ve ever signed with. They even put in a new smartmeter on our property!

It is eating me up.

On that note, I am attempting to eat a chicken salad with a knife and spoon. This is actually working much better than expected but my fingers have become oily with the yummy dressing. And now it’s on my pants.

Oh the problems.

A lonely time

I love alone time. I crave it. That sort of craving you get for dark chocolate when there is none in the house and the stores have inconveniently shut at 12am. Lately I seem to have had varied amount. It sort of sneaks up on me and hugs me from behind. I have discovered though, I only like alone time when I have nothing to do. Here’s the problem: I’m stressed, worried and feeling like the world is plotting my doom. Leaving me alone feeling, worried, stressed and adamant the world is against me is not a good idea. Or, well, it might be. It’s bad for me. 

What do I do in these situations? I begins with a quiet mutter to myself on the odd occasion. Eventually this progresses to chatting to the cat about ‘The Bachelorette’. Eventually madness begins to take over and I start cleaning. OCD cleaning. I’m not talking whip around with the vacuum cleaner, I mean get down on my hands and knees and inspect the floor, have a mini melt-down when it becomes slightly dirty only moments after cleaning it.

I dust, wipe, vacuum, wipe some more, scrub the shower, wash my clothes, tidy my room to the point things are so organized I can find anything, scrub the toilet and the two basins, do the dishes.

Then I progress to washing my hands after I do anything. This results in normally oily skin becoming dry.

I crave alone time, when I have nothing to say, nothing to do and nothing to think about. When I can leisurely lounge around the house and pet me cat. Read a book or watch TV, maybe even bake. These are the alone times I love.

Being alone with my worry wort self and a clingy cat…panicking about the fact there is a small speck of gravel on my carpet… not really my cup of tea.